<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>I miss it when my plants were green by Pla5t1c_Tanger1ne</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29294538">I miss it when my plants were green</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pla5t1c_Tanger1ne/pseuds/Pla5t1c_Tanger1ne'>Pla5t1c_Tanger1ne</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Internal Conflict, Minecraft, Original Character(s), Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, bedwars, but its all internal conflict, i cant write in character but im definitely going to include a LOT of mcyt references, i cant write tags sry, its only mentioned for now tho its not graphic, mid life crisis but its a teenager playing bedwars, planning on fangirl-izing the main character later, rating will probably be knocked up later, shes gonna hurt a LOT lol, so thats why its oc</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 06:33:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,013</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29294538</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pla5t1c_Tanger1ne/pseuds/Pla5t1c_Tanger1ne</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dwelling on these past idealizations of events I’ve exaggerated in my head. Warping and twisting these thoughts, using them as my mental playdoh whenever I seem to need a reason to feel bad for myself. I miss when I could confidently say my plants are green, looking to my father and sing out the fact that I was responsible for this incredible feat, I was the protector of such an important piece of life! </p><p>Now my plants are dead, and I'm sitting at a monitor that is just too bright playing games with people I don't like. There has to be more to this, right?</p><p>Hovering my cursor above the go-live button, I'm desperate to chase the feeling of actually being alive</p><p>TLDR: Girl sad oh wow stream time</p>
            </div></td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I miss it when my plants were green</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey!! First off, tw for mentions of abuse and sexual assault, I'm planning on including a lot of the trauma recovery through the next couple chapters so it's not skippable, I'm sorry. It's not incredibly graphic either, though the main character's trauma will be a major part of this story.</p><p>I can't write in character mcyt to save my life so this is oc, and there *will* be a LOT of mcyt references and even interactions in the future!! excited to include it, I just don't want to write from the perspective of one :) </p><p>*spoiler for next few chapters* my current plan is to mould her into a Minecraft YouTuber of sorts? like she tries at all that and god the angst I have planned is beautiful</p><p>this is my first fic and writing in general in a while, any critism is appriciated!</p><p>This "piece" is just my attempt at writing an incredibly unstable narrator hehe</p><p>Anyways enjoy and please comment!! I'd appreciate it so much! :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A woman of memory, the irony. Dwelling on these past idealizations of events I’ve exaggerated in my head. Warping and twisting these thoughts, my mental playdoh whenever I seem to need a reason to feel bad for myself. I remember so much, ideas of the days long gone, though honestly I wonder how much of it is based enough in truth to be considered a memory. Am I remembering the event or my interpretation of it through the lens of reflection? Are my favourite times really as good as I remembered them, or am I just wanting them to be that way? I think about this a lot. Honestly, I think about everything a lot. Though then again I could be thinking about it an awful little, I don’t really have the perspective to make any judgement. I think I think too much, and I guess for something like this an opinion is just enough.</p><p>	I long for the days where I wasn’t stuck in my head enough to get to these points. Spiralling through thoughts and apparent life-changing revelations with nothing to make of them. Life like this is a hell not worth living, though I definitely appreciate the extra time to dedicate to fluff. Video Games are fluff. Music is fluff. Ranting to strangers I call friends about, well, fluff. Nothing I do has any meaning, and I’m alright with that, even if it messes with the way I think about myself. Am I playing video games for 12 hours a day? Absolutely! Do I have any idea who I am? No! Of course not!</p><p>	It’s to the point where my name seems new to me. I’m so used to being referred to as my pseudonym my real name makes me cringe. I shouldn’t blame that on the isolation though. Knowing who gave me the name is enough to shy me away, I want no association to him and the day I get the fuck out of here and run away to become anew is the day I’ll find myself, I’m sure. For now though the name grabs my throat the same way he did, strangles me until oxygen becomes a long lost luxury. It’s the same name used by someone I considered close, or I did until his hands found themselves exploring where I hadn’t even dared to go. And I layed there, a child. Burdened with the trauma of betrayal and the burden of a title, a name, I’d be stuck with. A constant memory of who I was, and who they were and what they did to me.</p><p>	Emotional closeness is a distant memory. Exposing vulnerability is exposing weakness, and I can’t let myself get to that point. I need to be strong. I need to be a character, likeable with only a few disernabile “flaws”. As they said, no one will like me for who I am, so creating someone new is the only option I have. Stepping into these people as easy as if they were sweatshirts, laughing along with things I don’t find funny and responding with jokes that are funny enough to make everyone but me laugh. I hate these people. I hate myself for who I’ve become.</p><p>	“Hey Sammy” A British voice rings into my headset, my real name making me cringe, “You there?” He asks calmly over our game of bedwars doubles, his voice ringing through my senses like smooth caramel. I fuck with him about being British a lot, though I genuinely like his voice. I will never admit it, so don’t get me to try, though if he ever made a podcast you bet your ass I’d be the top listener. What he has in a voice he lacks in, well, emotional empathy. A lot of what he says makes me feel like shit. I don’t want to talk to him right now. </p><p>	“Yeahhh, just focused!” I responded, and before he could pry any further shouted out “Red is coming in from diamond, they’ve just used a fireball!”. I equip my iron sword and run to fight off the opponent. </p><p>	I come face to face with the intruder from red, the only one left on his team as I had destroyed his bed earlier in the game then killed his opponent over emeralds. He turns to my character, the only thing standing between him and my bed. Elegantly named “luizbestgamer09” and dressed in a troll face skin with 15 hearts (Presumably from a failed fireball attempt), I accepted my victory from the get go.</p><p>I waited for him to make the first move, which he did happily, lunging at me swinging his sword frantically in an attempt to crit. He landed it despite my attempts to block. I hate many, many things in this world (trust me. I do) but top of that list is 1.8.9 PVP, the version that hypixel runs on. Shields are one of the most useful items in my opinion, and wielding an axe makes me feel exponentially more badass than a sword. Some choose to ignore the fact that axes are nearly useless for anything other than chopping wood in this version, which I am more than happy to see. Just another kill to add to my list. Too bad luiz had a sword, and I had 17 hearts. Fuck.</p><p> I dipped to the side and jumped at him from that angle, returning the kindness he gave me earlier. Landed, of course. His little minecraft head whipped around attempting to locate me, and I used this as an opportunity to knock him back even closer to the void. Another crit landed. Luiz was as good as dead. It seemed to me as if his sensitivity was a bit too high and his skill was a bit too low, so I stuck with the strategy of hitting him from the side, which was now where his front was once. Into the void, easy.</p><p>“Victory!” splashed across my screen. Hey, it was far from unexpected. But I’ll take my validation where I can find it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please comment what you think! I'd really appreciate it :) </p><p>Also I did literally zero editing, so let me know if I messed up anywhere :)</p><p>Also, if you want any mcytbers involved in the future or any plotlines lmk!! </p><p>*spoiler* current ideas are the idots (specifically skeppy and finn) and purpled maybe? not sure</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>